So she tells me that nuts and so forth are heavy in fat...and I'm like yes they are fatty but they contain the good kind of fat you need in your body not the processed fat that your body stores and can't digest or process. Her response was, "I'm a nurse, you think I don't know that?" Like what? I'm not a nurse and haven't been to college or whatever so it makes what I say less credible or the articles and documentation made my dudes and dudettes with PHd's in nutritional science not credible? My dad used to pull that crap with all of us kids whenever we'd say something that hit too close to a nerve with him..."you kids dont' know sh*t," was what he'd say..."you haven't been anywhere or been to college or..."blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I'm happy he got his "sheepskin." I'm sure it has really helped him sort and deliver the US Mail. How does that work? I got a history major at BYU so I could be the Postman. Not quite the way he saw that working out I"m sure.
My dad and my wife are brilliant people. I know it and in case my take on their intelligence isn't valid because I'm not a psychologist, just ask them, they'll both tell you they're brilliant. Not to boast about their knowledge, but because its true. However, what I'm experiencing is that while both of them are brilliant, they both lack (at times) inspiration. What I'm trying to do and I'm experiencing is inspiring and helpful...but being attacked by my wife doesn't make me feel inspired. It just makes me feel attacked. Its the old power struggle thing but what she doesn't realize is that I don't give a hoot in a "holler" about power. Its all imagined anyway. I don't have any power over anyone. I just have free agency to choose the right or choose the not-so-right. If others feel threatened by that, that's their issue. I just felt a huge energy drain from last night and into the morning. I've removed anything that will remind my wife that I'm on a different diet than her. I won't quit what I'm doing but I'm not going to have things around that would give her the impression that I'm taunting her or saying without saying; "in your face." or anything like that. If she wants to join me she can. I can imagine how much turbulence there will be when I return to the church too.
She told me last night all we've done since I've been home is argue. I also don't see that. We've had maybe 2 heated discussions, a fight (sort of) and a conversation about why her son and his pregnant girlfriend are still squatting in our home and why his destruction of walls and doors in our home is being allowed and why when he has a perfectly useful space to live, he's still here. After that blew up in my face I just stopped bringing it up and refuse to talk about it anymore or talk to them. All the rest of it is her thinking if we have a discussion with differing viewpoints, we're arguing and fighting. She's stressed about work, stressed about moving, stressed about her son and his pregnant girlfriend, stressed because the train wreck of their failed attempt to get married cost us money...all things I couldn't care less about because I'm powerless to change any of them. I'm trying to concentrate on things I have control over. My effort and my attitude. It doesn't mean I don't care about them. I'm just not going to get wrapped up in the blanket of stress over things I can't control.
Why is it when those who love you see you start to take a different direction or try and change, they feel threatened? Is it the fear that you might leave them or run from them? So what, they attack you so you'll feel good about staying or want to be around them even more? Really? All last night's dog and pony show made me want to do is get on my motorcycle and ride south til I hit the Texas coast. I know this hasn't been easy. I'm trying to remain positive.
This morning I pulled up D&C 122:7-8 and as I'm sure you know, it says:
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
So that says to me...is okay...a lot of people have suffered even greater trials and tribulations and they're okay....You'll be okay too. All is well. It really is. It just stings sometimes that's all. And no I don't think I'm better than anyone else...I'm just me trying to be better than the "me" of yesterday, not anyone else...just that guy, the "me" of yesterday...needs to be not as good as the "me" today...that's it and that's all.
I know this was kind of a rant. If you made it all the way through it, thank you. I appreciate everything you've done and continue to do for me Coach. Thank you so very much.
Cheers!
What is the worth of a soul? Shall our worth be measured by the school we attended, the degree obtained? Or is a better measure our credit score, or our IQ score, our number of Facebook friends, the brands of clothing we wear, our political clout, the string of letters after our name, the size of the house we live in or our zip code? I ask again, what is the worth of a soul?
ReplyDeleteD&C 18:10 says it all. Nothing else matters.
The scriptures can be applied on so many levels, they are so simple and yet so profound. The Lord is very aware of you Mark, here is one of the scriptures that came to mind after reading this post. Psalms 91:4-6, 11-16 just know that God is using these verses through me to speak to you.
The scripture you quoted in D&C 122: 7-8 are sacred verses that have carried me through times of trial. They were spoken to Joseph Smith while he was held captive in Liberty jail. Having visited Liberty jail last summer I gained a deeper love and appreciation for Joseph and the others who endured such abuse through the coldest winter months. I hope you take the opportunity to visit Liberty jail and get a sense for when those verses, which help us all in times of heavy trials, were given to the prophet.
You are right to continue on your current path. It leads to blessings that you are beginning to experience and many, many more to come. I know you are not pushing anyone, including your wife, to come on this journey with you. As hard as it is to gain the knowledge and understanding you've gained and then, after what you've learned, watch as your loved ones engage in self sabatoging behavior I see you doing it, letting go and putting your trust in God and in those who are trustworthy and knowledgeable in ways you need. I am awed and privileged to be a witness to your transformation! You are beautiful, worthy, and competent. You are intelligent, hopeful and loving. You are compassionate, trusting, and relearning your divine heritage. You are a son of the Most High God himself.
Cheers to life Mark!
ReplyDeleteJanice